#porco my beloved........ i have never wanted to squish a man so badly

[miekasa]

Mie, after the recent episode I’m in need of healing…And the cure would be some headcanons about porco pretty please 🥺❤️

I want to make it abundantly clear that Porco is, in fact, my boyfriend, and I love him very, very dearly. He’s so sexy for no reason lmfao it's kind of ridiculous. Anyway, here are some thoughts about him <3

sfw

He’s a Starbucks slut. He won’t admit it, but he is. Uses your name for the order to keep it all under wraps, but he’s a whore for it. He’s there a minimum of five days per week, and he is very particular about the standards of his drinks.

Pretends not to care about anything, but cares about everything pls. He’s good at the nonchalance act, even better at sarcasm and masking everything behind it, but the truth is Porco cares a lot. Especially about you.

Sure, he’s an asshole, teases you to no end, pushes you onto the couch and walks away laughing, smushes your face with his palm to throw you off balance, tells you there’s a bug on you just to watch you freak out… but he also opens every door for you, encourages you to tell him about your problems, buys you food even when you say you’re not hungry. He’s a good boyfriend, alright, even if his methods of affection aren’t so… traditional.

He loves to make fun of you, will literally point and laugh sometimes, but he’s not gonna let anybody else do that. He gets to laugh at you because he loves you and would kill a man for you; nobody else is doing that shit, so nobody else is making fun of you while he’s around.

He’s a car guy, and is very particular about his car maintenance; which is why he does it all himself. So, expect at least one Saturday out of your month to be booked just watching Porco clean and detail his car; and yes, you’re booked too because he drags you by the collar, sits you on a fold-out beach chair, and tells you to, “Sit there and do your assignments, or fix your little animal villager island.”

(Quality time is one of his love languages, he just won’t admit it. In fact, if you asked him about love languages, he’d scrunch up his face because, “What the fuck do they mean by that? Can’t a dude just say ‘I love you,’ in peace anymore?”)

He also cleans your car for you, and if you ever bring up going to a car wash, then prepare to meet his death stare for the remainder of the day. The premium air prank thing wouldn’t work on him—he wouldn’t even care about you potentially being scammed, he’d be more miffed that you went to some random man to put air in your tires lmfaooooo

That bomber jacket he wears… that’s yours now LMFAOO. He gives you shit for it, always calls you out on stealing his stuff and not even wearing it when it’s actually cold outside, but he loves to see you in it, don’t be fooled.

He used to smoke/juul in highschool, until Marcel forced him to stop. He rarely gets the urge to pick up a cigarette anymore, but when he does, he tries to curb his craving with candy—and he hates candy, so it’s a punishment in itself. Occasionally, when he’s stressed, you’ll find Porco angrily making his way through a sleeve of Starburst, and that’s when you know he needs a shoulder massages, and maybe a couple of kisses to calm him down.

Him clearing a pack of candy is also a telltale sign to his friends that the two of you have had/are in an argument. When Pieck sees Porco buying his third pack of Twizzlers for the day, she knows she had to intervene no matter how much Porco says, “It’s none of your fucking business, Pieck.” Porco might be intimidating to everyone else, but not to her; which is why she has no qualms pulling him by the ear to his brother.

Because the only other person besides Pieck who’s not scared of an angry Porco, is his older brother. Marcel definitely sets him straight, tells him to pull his head out of his ass and to stop ruining his teeth and his relationship over a petty argument. And Porco has the audacity to scoff when you and Marcel actually get along pls.

In theory his haircut should allow him to pull off hairstyles similar to Levi’s and Armin’s… if you every try that shit on him he might just bite your hand bye.

Bitches about all the stuff you buy when you’re out shopping, but won’t let you carry any of the bags. You offer to hold your own purchases, and he just scowls, clicks his teeth, starts walking ahead of you, and then tells you to hurry and catch up. Chivalrous asshole <3

He remembers all your anniversaries and in-between special dates, and he’s a pretty good gift-giver. He’s not all that sappy about it in the moment, preferring to just hand you your present and stick his hands in his pockets, but it’s easy to tell that he put a lot of thought and effort into it.

He likes being kissed. Kiss him, even if he complains about you “smothering him in affection.” He likes it.

If you’re walking next to him, then you guys are gonna be holding hands. He’s not crazy about PDA, but he doesn’t think hand holding is anything drastic. Plus, he likes that you sometimes squeeze his hand. You could hold his arm if you want, he’s into that, too.

He has this habit of just… watching you. He probably doesn’t mean for it to be as intense as it is, but Porco is always watching you, and he notices everything about you—no bad mood, or slight annoyance is flying under his radar.

With that tho, sometimes you’ll just be… doing normal things (cooking, cleaning, reading, doing homework), and he’ll just eye you up and down. Like he’s looking over every part of you and committing it to memory. He doesn’t even intend for it to be sexual, but with the way he’ll sit a little leaned forward, with his legs spread a little bit, and stalk his eyes over you—it definitely is less than innocent at times.

He’s not too much into matching couple items (at least nothing too obvious), but if you give him something or buy something for him, he’ll wear it. Maybe you don’t have matching clothes, but all the beanies he owns are because you bought them for him; or maybe he’s sporting a new chain because you picked it out; and maybe, just maybe, he didn’t peel that stupid little sticker off of his back window because you put it there and he loves you or whatever.

He’s an early riser :// he’s not up at 5am, but he is awake by 8-9am most days, even on weekends. It’s not even that he does it to be productive; it’s more that he’s a creature of habit, and getting up that early in high-school kind of stuck with him. If you’re not an early riser, then too bad; when Porco is around you will be.

I’m talking, ripping the covers off of you, and rolling you off the bed if he has to. Tells you to get your ass up and eat breakfast with him, but he’s just likes to spend his mornings with you when he can.

He’s very cognizant about what you eat and where you eat. He’s not tracking your calories or forcing you to eat “healthy”—he’s not saying or doing anything to make you insecure. But it is important to him that you eat well and eat enough to sustain yourself. So if he drags you to the kitchen and forces you to eat dinner with him, it’s because he cares.

He’s a pretty good cook, too. He just fucking hates when anyone is in the kitchen when he’s cooking, so if you’re looking to be his sous chef, or hoping for a picturesque moment out of a movie, then good luck LMFAOO.

He’s, unsurprisingly, athletic, too. Along with disciplining himself at the gym, he’s played sports since middle school, pretty much anything he could get his hands on to keep himself busy. It gets narrowed down to just rugby or lacrosse in the fall, and hockey in the winter at university. He doesn’t do much in the spring because he’s got allergies LMFAOO.

His teammates usually refer to him by his last name. You are not to refer to him by his last name unless you want to be body slammed into the mattress, and tickled without mercy; or have your forehead flicked if you’re in public. He will classically condition you out of it, because what does he look like going around with his girlfriend calling him Galliard.

He boxes, too, but that’s more for the sake of working out, not to compete. Definitely takes you to the gym when it’s pretty empty, sticks a pair of gloves on you, hangs up a punching bag and smiles, “Show me what you got, pretty girl.”

He turns out to be a good trainer—for boxing, and just being at the gym in general; if you need a workout buddy, he’s a great option, even if he does mess with you a little. If he teaches you his best tricks just to watch you take down Bertolt, then no he didn’t <3

Encouragement when you’re working out usually comes in the form of him tapping your ass and telling you good job. Or him patting your head, and saying he’s proud of you for keeping up.

Head pats are a frequent form of affection outside of the gym, too. Even if they are teasing sometimes, it’s Porco-talk for “That’s my girl.”

nsfw/suggestive

Occasionally, you’ll catch him having a lollipop in place of other candy to curb his smoking cravings. Usually, your presence is enough to calm him down, which is why he’ll take it out of his mouth, and put it in yours instead, and tell you to, “Hold onto to this for me, baby.”

And while he’s stopped the cigarettes and juul pens, he’s not averse to a joint every now and then, and one of his favorite things to do is shotgun with you. Makes you sit right on his lap, keeps one hand on your jaw to make sure your mouth stays open while he blows smoke over your tongue. Tells you how pretty you look for him.

He’s got a thing for you sitting on his lap in general. Particularly because he likes to keep his hands on your ass, but he’s also a fan of the way you paw at him when you’re riding him.

He can be pretty rough with you—manhandling you, smacking your ass as punishment, forcing your hands above your head or behind your back—but he never wants to hurt you.

Does this thing where he’ll smush your cheeks between his fingers while he’s fucking you, likes to watch you cheeks get puffy, likes to hear for you to beg him to kiss you or let you cum. He’s mean, will smile, get close enough to your lips, and then turn his hand so that your mouth is covered with his palm and his only order is, “Keep quiet, doll. I’m not done with you yet.”

Would he let you slap him… probably, if you ask.

If you wear his jerseys to his game, then expect to get fucked in it afterwards—in it is key, because he’s not letting you take it off. Will bunch it up, stuff the bottom of it in your mouth, and tell you to keep it there while he fucks you.

He’s not a biter, but he does have a nasty habit of sucking wherever he can get his mouth on you. On your neck, your tits, your stomach, your clit, your thighs.